Police Complaint

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police
  Force from an angry member of the public.
  A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly
  written.....
  
  
  
  Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
  Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at
  Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided
  to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
  
  Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to
  your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal,
  carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
  
  As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed
  medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St
  Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in
  Bodmin.
  
  Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves
  kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
  meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which
  rings throughout the entire building.
  This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how
  the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any
  time soon.
  
  The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging
  through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that
  someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
  One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded
  chair like a beaver on speed.
  
  I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn
  their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is
  lying on its side between the two bins.
  If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and
  legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would
  even go so far as to lend them the matches.
  
  Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the
  street with them and I've just finished decorating the
  kitchen.
  
  What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with
  worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into
  and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night
  of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants
  around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing
  a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of
  course serve no other purpose than to remind us what
  policemen actually look like.
  
  I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one
  of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of
  giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest
  me.
  
  I remain sirs, your obedient servant
  

  
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at
  the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the
  problems you have encountered in trying to contact the
  police.
  
  As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like
  to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
  
  Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide
  contact details (address / telephone number) and when may
  be suitable.
  
  Regards

  Community Beat Officer
  
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  

  First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy
  response to my original e-mail.
  
  16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
  Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward
  these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next
  book.
  
  Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its
  own Community Beat Officer.
  
  May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
  skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St
  Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up
  a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the
  gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache
  on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand
  basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are
  head-hunted by MI5.
  
  Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes
  taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or
  being Christian without due care and attention, is it too
  much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no
  more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they
  might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
  
  The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are
  both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par
  Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if
  the tide is in.
  
  Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should
  feel free to contact me on <DATE. If after 25 minutes
  I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one
  in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
  
  Regards

  
  P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky
  that you don't work for the cleansing department, with
  whom I am also in contact
  

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