Divorce Correspondence

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had got my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the football. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either, you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P. S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Yorkshire together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed £50 from me that morning and your negligee was £49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for £10 million I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

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